"Because I love her" A Birth Mother's Story Through her Adoption Journey

                                "Because I love her" 

     A Birth Mother's Journey Through Adoption

    My name is April. I found out I was pregnant on March 15, 2012. My boyfriend had just left for Afghanistan, and it was also his birthday. I think I took about 10 tests before I believed it. I was shocked and so was everyone involved. Jacob was my boyfriend and the birth father. Jacob is in the military and had left for Afghanistan the day I found out I was pregnant.  I wasn't able to tell him for about 5 weeks that I was pregnant.

When I first found out that I was pregnant, I cried for a long time. Honestly, my first thought was to have an abortion but deep down I knew I could never go through with it. I was very afraid because I didn't have support from my family and I was not with Jacob's family. I also knew that I would be the one who had to tell the news to Jacobs mother. The day after I found out I was pregnant was my birthday. On my birthday I went to the pregnancy clinic for yet another test. They told me the test was positive and that I was further along than I thought. I remember saying “no", Jacob was only home March 1st through 10th; there’s no way I could be further along unless I conceived on Thanksgiving! The nurse asked me multiple times if i could be pregnant by someone else. I was very frustrated at that point because not only had the person I loved just left to war; but I had just confirmed I was pregnant.  The nurse insisted that I had to have conceived before march! 

A million thoughts rushed through my mind. Eventually I went to another doctor and got an ultrasound scheduled for about 3 weeks later. I felt relieved that I had a little more time to  take it all in and think about what I was going to do. I finally went to the ultra-sound and sure enough, I saw a small white ball on the screen. The gestation was only about 6 weeks. At that point I had told Jacobs mother Cheryl, about the pregnancy and she was with me at the ultrasound. Cheryl and I both saw the heartbeat on the doctors screen. There was no way we could get rid of this precious little thing. I remember just staring at the ultrasound pictures for hours.

A few days after the ultra sound my mind was just blank, I didn't know what to do or think. I felt frozen.Cheryl and I talked about it, and decided we would look into adoption because I knew I was not ready for the poopy diapers, screaming newborn, and the other slobbers of motherhood. So a couple days later we called Adopt Triad. Linda and Amanda came to my house and we sat down and talked.It really helped to have there support and get all my questions answered.  

The next day I called the adoption agency to inform them that we want to make an adoption plan. During this time I was able to tell Jacob I was pregnant. The first call to him ended quickly, I was only able to the words out. We went a couple days before we got to talk again. We both took that time to think. We decided that adoption was right, although Jacob was a little apprehensive at first.

April and Cheryl

Everything moved quickly from that point. I filled out a lot of paper work that explained who we are and what we are looking for in an adoptive family. We also got the legal paperwork out of the way. I remember requesting a couple with no children. I really had no other requests.I knew I would know which family was right when I looked at the family profiles. I went to adoption counseling at Adopt Triad with Linda. Every time I went to counseling reality would set in. Pregnancy hormones, trying to keep up in classes and missing Jacob made me an emotional mess. 

In May, Jacobs’s grandparents came to visit. It was scary enough to tell his parents but telling his Grandma scared me even more. I scared myself with all the possible ways she may react and non of the scenarios where positive. I prepared myself for the worst. Surprisingly, she did not react the way I pictured in my head. Jacob's Grandma was very supportive and loving. I thought it was funny that the day after I told her I had a noticeable baby belly. 

A week after the grandparents left, Linda handed me family profiles. I started balling. It was hard for me to have to let down a hopeful family. Believe it or not the first profile I looked at was the family I wanted, I just had a strong feeling. They were perfect. I called Linda and we set up a dinner to meet the family. In June, we meet our adoptive family; Larry, Amy and their little girl Ashley. We walked into Three Margaritas and there they stood with my favorite flowers. We ate and had a great time. We were there for a little over 2 hours and Ashley was an angel. We talked about baby names, family history, pretty much everything under the sun. I was sad to say goodbye.

April with Adoptive family

The next day, Fathers day, we called the agency and told the agency that they were the family for us! The agency director called and told the family and they were so happy. After we made that decision it felt like everything went by even faster. We had doctor's visits, lunches and even an ultrasound to find out the baby's gender. The ultrasound room was full; Cheryl, Amanda, Amy, Julie (Agency staff) and myself where all there to hear the big news. We all cried when we found we were having a beautiful baby girl. The nurse asked me if I had thought of any names, I looked at Amy and told the nurse to ask her. Amy said Ella Marie.Amy chose this name because she remembered at dinner I told her that Jacob and I would have named her Erin Marie, and they wanted an Ella. It was a beautiful combination.

After the ultrasound we gave Amy girl colored baby blankets, hoping that our baby would be a girl as we expected. Amy and I went shopping for the baby. We bought her first outfits and they were so cute. When shopping, Amy told that she was decorating the room with a monkey theme. I was so excited because monkeys are my favorite animal! Moneys was also what I said I wanted at our first dinner. It was all meant to be.

In September, Jacob came back from Afghanistan. I traveled with Cheryl, Jacobs best friend to an airport outside of California to welcome him home. It was amazing to have him back on US soil. I could not stop crying and hanging onto him. He loved touching my belly it was just precious. At this point, I was starting to have doubts about the adoption. It was probably because of the emotions I had from seeing Jacob again. Once Jacob left 4 days later those doubts went away.  I remember worrying that Jacob would not be with me during the baby's birth. I was scared to not have him with me. 

My life went back to normal and seemed as though it was moving so quickly. In October, we hosted a baby shower for Amy. I remember Linda asking me multiple times if I was feeling sure about our decision to make an adoption plan. She explained that if I was not sure than planning a baby shower for Amy may not be a good idea but if I was positive it would be amazing. I had no doubt in my mind at that point. The day of the baby shower came and we were all so happy. It was one of the best days that I have ever had. I enjoyed sharing this happy moment with Amy. 

A couple weeks later, Cheryl had to travel out of state for about a week. I remember being so scared that baby Ella would make her appearance and I would have no one! That was the longest week ever! I was glad I had class to keep my mind busy. I was also so thankful to have Amy, Amanda, Julie and Jenn to all keep me company. 

Thanksgiving was here before we knew it! Thanksgiving I wasn't feeling well, and really didn't want to go anywhere, but Cheryl insisted we go be with family. Somehow, they all distracted  me and as I sat down to eat, Jacob walked through the door! I could not have been happier! Yes, he had shown up for Ella’s birth. That night I started having contractions. I couldn't stop crying, I was so scared and so was Jacob. We got to the hospital. It was me, Cheryl, Jacob, Amanda, Kyle(Jacobs best friend), Amy and Larry. We were at the hospital for a while but we got sent home. I was so upset and ready to be done. I remember I was hurting and not feeling well, not only was I still having contractions and not dilating, the nurse was rude and had man hands!! It was not a fun night. 

 I spent the next day in bed. I couldn't keep anything down. That night we had gone to Apple-bees with the family and friends, I was so cranky. That poor waiter,Lol.  The next day was Sunday I was feeling worse. We called the DR and she told us to go into the hospital. We went in and my body was all out of whack. They decided to induce labor because they thought I had pre-eclampsia. I was very scared. They induced my labor and then the pain started. It was awful! Once they gave me pain medication I slept the whole day with all my supports just hanging out in the room. I was so thankful to have them there. At midnight, I got the epidural. The whole night the nurse kept coming in and moving me into different positions because the baby was in distress. I was scared, and just wanted her to come out. The next thing I knew, I was almost fully dilated. I was freaking out because everyone had left my room, I was crying because I thought I was all alone! They had all just gone out to give me resting time. Then it was time to push! Cheryl, Amy and Jacob were there for me the entire birth.

 At 12:03 pm Ella Marie was born weighing in at 7 lbs 6 oz at 20 ¼ inches long. She was beautiful. Everything from her birth til we got into the maternity room is a blur. I think I was in shock. I couldn't believe she was here. This precious child I had just carried for 9 months was here, and I was 

April with Family and Baby

about to hand her over. It seemed so hard and impossible. The hospital was very understanding from from the very beginning.  Amy and Larry had their own room, and that is where Ella stayed most of the visit. I felt numb at the hospital. The day came for us all to leave. We went down to the Chapel where they had set up an entrustment ceremony for us. That was the hardest part of it all. Handing my child over. The ceremony was beautiful, but I could not stop balling as I left the hospital with empty arms, belly and heart.
I cried for two days straight. 

Thankfully we had a visit with Amy and Ella set up. Jacob and I had the first visit at Linda's house when she was 4 days old. I couldn't stop staring at this beautiful little girl, when we left the crying started again, my heart felt crushed. I kept telling myself that was where she needed to be. We had visits every week. After a couple weeks it got easier, seeing how good Amy was with her.

After a couple months of seeing her every week was like

punishment. I dreaded going to see her every week and not leave with her. It was extremely hard. We decided to visit once a month, and that was so much easier. With every day I got stronger, and accepted it more. All also improved in handling judgement from people in the community. I am proud to tell everyone my little girl was adopted and how wonderful of a family she has.

I recently graduated college in August 6, 2013. Everyone was there for me even the adoption agency staff. I made it through college and graduated with honors, a 3.68 GPA giving me a Cum Loude. I was covered with praise and was so happy to be able to say I did it!

I graduated college with honors, after giving birth, placing my child for adoption, suffering from severe post-postpartum depression and having the person I love deployed to a war zone. I did it through all of that, I was proud of myself. 

April with Adoptive mom Amy
and Ella at graduation!

My life is looking up every day. I would not be here without the decision I made. A few months ago Jacob and I broke up. If I had not placed my beautiful little girl, I would be a single mom. I would not have finished school. I could not have done accomplished any of my goals. I would be struggling to provide anything for Ella. I am so glad I chose adoption, and chose the best life for my daughter. I am so thankful for the staff at the adoption agency and everything they did for me. It’s been a very crazy journey this past year an a half, but it had a happy and beautiful ending.

Amy (adoptive mom) with baby